This Story
Walter comes back to me today after 4 weeks with his dad. The longest we’ve ever been apart. The custody mediation was one of the hardest fucking days I’ve ever had. I’m still sorting through it emotionally and practically. It’s still hard to talk about and I haven’t been able to write to you all.
The charge is decreasing with time and aggressive self-care and maybe presence too. My power is present for me here, in this moment, all of it. It’s a lot of power when I remember it.
I’ve been a pile of goo some days. Like in the cocoon, my sister says...before the butterfly emerges. I don’t know if I’ll emerge beautifully and fly, but I can at least slap a ‘d’ on this situation. Oh god, that wasn’t sexual, but it’s funny anyway...sigh.
I wanted to be a productive powerhouse instead of goo. Transform into a svelt version of me rather than staying in this soft, full stage that is my today body. I look comforted, at least. Organize every nook and cranny and closet and drawer rather than hiring the sitter to help me clean one room and sort for donations. Write every day to you all and get my consulting efforts off the ground rather than hold down my day job alone. Become a financial wizard and fall in love rather than feeling like things are still a little unclear and/or distant. What can I say? I like to dream expansively.
It’s hard to have a hard time. Hard to accept it, admit it, share it, ask for support when that brings up fears that are so damn deep that they probably didn’t even originate with you! Thanks, ancestors. (No, I mean it. Thank you for your sacrifices and your wisdom and for dreaming me up.)
So, ahem. Lots more to share. I want to tell you about the troubles and the joys and the middle parts. Hang with me as I find my bearings and sort how to share these stories with you.
