Honesty

I've told a few safe people that I've been really down lately. I feel like that's been brave for me. To admit it and then to ride the waves of guilt, shame, and embarrassment that come from confessing it. From not expressing it together with louder more insistent disclaimers or explanations that all will be well or that I'm still ok even though I feel awful (ok, maybe I did that a little bit and maybe it's true too). Maybe it didn't sound different from me worrying in general, but it feels different to me. Feels more like being present and honest with myself maybe.

I am going to be ok. I have some faith that my days of feeling down and afraid with the kind of frequency I've felt this past year or two or whatever time it's been are not my usual or my future. God, how it has sucked to feel so unmoored and uncertain and empty and full and sad. It's hard to articulate. It makes sense and it doesn't.

Things are already changing. I can get through this next little section. So can you.

Towards joy. Towards aliveness. That's where I'm turning my gaze.

hopeful hearts