This Story
This morning I was waiting for my laser therapy appointment and, as I usually do for these sessions, I had my eyes closed to meditate. And by meditate I mean to block out the grossly overstimulating waiting room with its blaring cheesy movie, coffee table books that were not real books, and barely adequate staff communication.
I kept getting sucked into the loud movie and I would remind myself I don't need that and close my eyes again seeking to maintain a wisp of the serenity I had found just prior to this appointment hanging in a hammock and being guided through my intention and then washed with sound so that I can become more mindful more often.
One of the scenes playing out involved a boring adult Christmas party turning fun when Sant Claus showed up and started handing out meaningful gifts to each person...something they had loved or longed for as a child (Santa Claus 2, I think). It was so sweet I started crying...what a mess, woman, you're supposed to be feeling serene! Oh yeah, of course...closes eyes. She's curious, though...was there something that she had longed for or loved especially in childhood? Not from Santa of course, he's not real, but from Jesus perhaps? "Makeup and clothes" was what bubbled up for me immediately and surprisingly. It immediately expanded into something like "a wish to be beautiful and sensual and sexual and good and bad and not be cast out" for being more than a good, simple, obedient, unwanting, untroublesome girl.
Hmm...maybe I should just watch the movie. LOL...No, I'm here for it. Wow, though, I feel like I'd already had a revelation about why I love clothes so much...creative expression, texture, manifestation power, not having had any new clothes until I bought them for myself in college. I love makeup too, though I don't have to wear it these days I still like it...both things I've spent tons of money on and love to enjoy...the higher quality the better. I've kept classics for decades and loved some second-hand finds too. But I've usually shown a degree of restraint that has felt good. Sure it's fun to go over the top when the occasion or mood calls for it, but most often I trend toward that No makeup makeup category that might just be a blend of the woman I was to the people I grew up around and her shadow side. Maybe I've been unconsciously integrating them for a while now in the silly, everyday joys of adorning this body or leaving her bare as my heart desires.
Later in the day, laser therapy complete, I watched a fan-freakin-tastic post by eroticsofliberation on IG walking us through a 5-step process for creating a personal mantra. You'll see in this post and some of their other work how skillfully the concept of our shadow selves is addressed. If I'm any proof, it's quite possible to end up feeling very tenderly towards what seem like opposing parts of one's personality.
