This Story
God, dealing with a rage machine sucks. I know he’s hurting, I know he’s looking for control and pain relief. And damn it that nausea, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is so familiar.
Since he picks up directly from school now, I’ve been trying to step away from the house at that time after I was shocked out of a nap by them coming to the door after pickup one of the first days of the new schedule because he wasn’t happy with the clothes in the bag. I was anxious as soon as I recognized the vehicle, but it was Walter at the door and luckily we found the item quickly and they were on their way.
Since then, I have been anxious around 3pm on Thursdays and his Fridays. He’s, even if not consciously, continuing to look for retribution. I can tell it from what he says and does. The ways he tried to trap me and rile me and interrogate Walter directly and indirectly.
Walter started crying about the clothes this morning when I casually mentioned that I wasn’t sure what shorts were supposed to go in the bag. “Mom he’ll be so mad if I don’t get it right.” He couldn’t really explain more and it broke my heart. “Oh, I’ve got it.” I say, “These must be it. We’re set now.” I know they were ones that I bought, but I hoped they were similar enough he wouldn’t know. What are we supposed to do? Immediately undress him and bag his clothes when he gets back from his dad’s? Take a picture and track down socks, underwear, shorts, shirts, jacket…? And if I can’t manage to do this with perfection, I’ll prove myself the incompetent mother I’m continually berated for being by the Rage Machine. What a nightmare for Walter. Poor kid just wants his body covered and to have peace. He wants to be safe to be a kid. I can see he’s surrendered to his dad’s bullying for clothes style and no wonder…how painful to put up with the anger. Must be so confusing for him.
It’s almost a quarter after 3. I should wait longer since he can run late…it’s better for Walter if he doesn’t see me. He was already having a tough time with the idea of a long weekend with his dad. And I don’t want to give out the impression that I’m available at this time, or make it even harder for Walter to go back out to the car after stopping in for something as unnecessary as a pair of shorts or a shirt when he has so many of them available at both homes.
I’m upset with myself for stepping away and letting it, the stress, get to me in some ways, but I feel a little less anxious than I would staying home and risking a scene like the one at Halloween last year. I don’t know…sometimes, I think I’d be the one I'm calling a rage machine if I let myself think too long about how his behavior affects us. I don’t know how long I’ll need to do this to soothe my nervous system…let’s see what unfolds. Maybe I’ll just need to say I need time if the clothes aren’t right. This is a good choice for today.
