Uncertainty

Do I have uncertainty? Certainly.

I’ve been crying about it for quite a while now. Maybe even some years. The first time I recognized the fear associated with it was when I was 16 and my dad received a severance package from his company that had merged with another power company. I remember trying to catch the sobs forcing their way through my throat as I tried to explain to my youth leader, Dawna, why it was such a crisis. So. Much. Responsibility. My fingers twirled in the curling phone chord and gripped the receiver as I tried to not be a such a “blue person” so feeling, so expressive. I still hate those damn personality assessments. (But I am loving myself more and more.)

She asked me what’s the worst that could happen. I used that technique a lot in my teens. SAT test, imminent F grades (I did fine), someone not feeling loved by me (and therefore Jesus.) Shit was heavy all the time so I imagined it being worse to soothe myself. (Ok, I’ve cursed twice sharing this story...clean it up, lady. ) 12 kids at home and the source of income in question...as one of the kids, I took upon myself to worry.

He was picky about jobs or so it seemed. Didn’t want to travel much. Complained about the make-up of the corporate teams and the ‘diversity’ strategies of the day. (He still complains about them.) After 14 months, he took a job for the state and complained about it every day after. He helped people too where and how he could. He was going through a lot...I was too.

I was all glowy as a teen, though I’m sure a lot of people couldn’t see it through my glasses, hand-me-downs, and medicine mother aura. Did I worry, yeah, but I was so freaking positive too...I had extra time with my dad at home before college and I knew that was special. We had a lot of family cookouts and hikes at the state parks. There were lovely moments in that season.

These days, I am changing my relationship to uncertainty. I think it wants to be friends with me and I’ve had a wall up because I was told this kind of friend was not to be trusted.

I would call our dialogue right now...flirtatious. But I have that sense in my heart that trust will grow. He certainly has been persistent about his presence in my life. And it feels pretty sweet when I consider that he might be such a gift to me...such an opportunity...such a safe space to unfold. Radical.

Kisses, Babes